Taking your own life with boredom, I'm taking my own life with wine

I know who you are. I know your name. I know everything about you.  I know that you are independant, but you will not do anything alone. I know that you are tired, but every night you refuse to sleep until someone else is awake. I know that youre weak, but when it comes to others youll always be strong -for them- never for yourself. I know that you want to love, however much you may want it. Time after time it evades you. Like water sliping through the cracks of your fingers. I know what you want most. I know all of your fears. I know you lust, and lie, and sin. And I know how much you hate it, but not enough to keep away from it. Ive known your prayers. Your inner most thoughts. Your future, and your past. I know who you are. And i know how scared youve become. But you dont have to be scared anymore. Because im here, all you have to do is ask.
Ive always found it odd how little excerpts like that can come into my head, without me even thinking. I just write. I liked reading that passage back to myself and believing that it had sounded like God had said it, but when i do i realise Satin could have very well said the same thing. Lately ive been lost. More so than usual. And not just in my critical thing as i find myself most times. I feel as if my creativity has escaped me, my inspiration vanished, and my motivation died out. Depressing I know, I dont mean to sound so dejecting its only the early morning starting to creep into me. I always become melodramatic once sleep starts to take hold. I know im not depressed, well maybe i could be, but thats beside the point. I just havent chosen to be happy. I know there are plenty of things to be happy about. I have a new house, a new car, my dogs, my best friend, a boy i enjoy talking to, that i think might like me, doubt that will last though. ( enjoy my optimism ) I should be very happy. I have little to be sad about, and the things that are looming over my soul i dont feel need to be listed. They are unimportant. I only wish i could convince my mind of such things. I wish i had a button that could erase certain details from my brain without washing away the lessons i leard from sed events. In a perfect world i suppose...
Ive been sleeping my days away and spending most nights alone. I heard a song the other day and it struck a cord in this over analyzing brain of mine. "I can sum up my life in a sentence: taking your own life with boredom, I'm taking my own life with wine" How depressing? One could not really take out one's life with boredom, nor with wine,So what do those lyrics really mean? Being so average, so vapid, so vapidly average, that I am indeed killing myself, slowly yet surely, with my tedious, insipid life. And the biggest factor that is bothering me is that I don't mind commonplace things! No, in fact, I used to cherish everyday, simple things. I adored making them complex, velvet. Making a beam of sunlight trailing on my floor a prop for an amazing, inspired, of-the-moment dance. Instead of walking down the stairs, I would trip lightly, making a beat with the gentle thudding of my feet on the floorboards. I used to delight in the most childlike things, such as having an opportunity to eat ice cream, wearing a dress, going on a road trip, applying makeup as I got ready to go out for the day. Dancing in my livingroom in my underwear, alone. Singing in the shower. Having fire in my veins. What happened to me? I know im still that person, but its like this boring old lady has moved into my mind. I guess its just time to sweep out the dust and become myself again.
I hate writing that comes to no conclusion, but in this case, there honestly is none. How could I possibly wrap these couple paragraphs up? With saying, perhaps, how I will try to change, how I will learn to love each day properly. Or I could say that I might never change, and how much this prospect scares me. I could wax on about other worries of mine. I could elaborate on love and life, life and love, love lost, life lost. Or, I could simply say "goodnight" and "see you tomorrow". Sometimes the simplest ways are the best.