I live inside my head.

I can sit up in my room all day, by that open window of mine, staring at pictures on the internet of things i wish to be or believe myself to be, when in reality all this critical thinking is not doing me any good when it comes to the real world.

The reality i live in > than the reality that is.

Taking your own life with boredom, I'm taking my own life with wine

I know who you are. I know your name. I know everything about you.  I know that you are independant, but you will not do anything alone. I know that you are tired, but every night you refuse to sleep until someone else is awake. I know that youre weak, but when it comes to others youll always be strong -for them- never for yourself. I know that you want to love, however much you may want it. Time after time it evades you. Like water sliping through the cracks of your fingers. I know what you want most. I know all of your fears. I know you lust, and lie, and sin. And I know how much you hate it, but not enough to keep away from it. Ive known your prayers. Your inner most thoughts. Your future, and your past. I know who you are. And i know how scared youve become. But you dont have to be scared anymore. Because im here, all you have to do is ask.
Ive always found it odd how little excerpts like that can come into my head, without me even thinking. I just write. I liked reading that passage back to myself and believing that it had sounded like God had said it, but when i do i realise Satin could have very well said the same thing. Lately ive been lost. More so than usual. And not just in my critical thing as i find myself most times. I feel as if my creativity has escaped me, my inspiration vanished, and my motivation died out. Depressing I know, I dont mean to sound so dejecting its only the early morning starting to creep into me. I always become melodramatic once sleep starts to take hold. I know im not depressed, well maybe i could be, but thats beside the point. I just havent chosen to be happy. I know there are plenty of things to be happy about. I have a new house, a new car, my dogs, my best friend, a boy i enjoy talking to, that i think might like me, doubt that will last though. ( enjoy my optimism ) I should be very happy. I have little to be sad about, and the things that are looming over my soul i dont feel need to be listed. They are unimportant. I only wish i could convince my mind of such things. I wish i had a button that could erase certain details from my brain without washing away the lessons i leard from sed events. In a perfect world i suppose...
Ive been sleeping my days away and spending most nights alone. I heard a song the other day and it struck a cord in this over analyzing brain of mine. "I can sum up my life in a sentence: taking your own life with boredom, I'm taking my own life with wine" How depressing? One could not really take out one's life with boredom, nor with wine,So what do those lyrics really mean? Being so average, so vapid, so vapidly average, that I am indeed killing myself, slowly yet surely, with my tedious, insipid life. And the biggest factor that is bothering me is that I don't mind commonplace things! No, in fact, I used to cherish everyday, simple things. I adored making them complex, velvet. Making a beam of sunlight trailing on my floor a prop for an amazing, inspired, of-the-moment dance. Instead of walking down the stairs, I would trip lightly, making a beat with the gentle thudding of my feet on the floorboards. I used to delight in the most childlike things, such as having an opportunity to eat ice cream, wearing a dress, going on a road trip, applying makeup as I got ready to go out for the day. Dancing in my livingroom in my underwear, alone. Singing in the shower. Having fire in my veins. What happened to me? I know im still that person, but its like this boring old lady has moved into my mind. I guess its just time to sweep out the dust and become myself again.
I hate writing that comes to no conclusion, but in this case, there honestly is none. How could I possibly wrap these couple paragraphs up? With saying, perhaps, how I will try to change, how I will learn to love each day properly. Or I could say that I might never change, and how much this prospect scares me. I could wax on about other worries of mine. I could elaborate on love and life, life and love, love lost, life lost. Or, I could simply say "goodnight" and "see you tomorrow". Sometimes the simplest ways are the best.

Insomnia Rampant.

I should be asleep.
I should always be asleep.
However sleep happens to be the one thing that escapes my grasp though out the night.
Im almost certain the so called "insomnia" that i have, is actually a subconscious way of my mind finding peace night after night.
I spend all day parading around with this silly little smile on my face.
I can be sweet, i can be outgoing, i can be the best friend you've ever had.
But my mind is in a constant state of finding something more.
During the night
When the rest of the world is in bed,
tucked into a restful dream paradise
i am wide awake.
With no one around to judge me.
To be happy in my star-lit room.
I am free to write and ponder, and to roam outside with no question of why.
I like that i have reign over the world during those few hours everyone else lays asleep.
However it would be nice to dream again.
I’ve come to the conclusion that every decision...
Even the miniscule ones. (like not sleeping) have an effect.
Each decision we all make can have ten different effect strings attached to it.
And each time we choose, that string is pulled.
Every choice you make you could create or destroy you're life.
You may not know for years,
and you may never trace it back to its original source.
But you only get one chance to play it out.
I see people waiting.
As if something miraculous is going to fall into their laps.
Truth is it already has, but they wont get up and chase after it when its running.
Im tired of seeing beautiful things laid to waste.
Wasted time and wasted emotions.
I hear everyday: "i really want to..."
quit dreaming about it and do it.
Every one whines and claims they’re so bored with their life
or they wish things could be different.
Yet each person lets themselves be hindered by social outlooks that in turn don’t matter at all
I am perturbed by people who don't act on their feelings and wishes
just because of what someone else will thing
or what the outcome of that event may be.
We are only given so long in this world
a fraction of a fraction of a millisecond
and it makes me sad to see them waste it.

Fact: I will always do what my heart wants, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I sat down to write a long excerpt about rain and running wild. however, this is what happend.

And as the rain danced and pounded apon my heart,

i remembered why it had been left out in the storm to begin with.

My days always seem so short compaired to my nights.

Once i followed the Night

Until she and I found the Day

And in the Day was the Sun and Moon

Dancing upon a Marooned Lagoon.

And there i fell in Love with the Stars.

Dear Father,

Hello Father,
I wish I felt this longing for you as I feel this longing for someone to say goodnight to, I know one day all I will have is you and I will regret the nights like this when I feel as though you are here and not something I so nostalgically search for. I know that all there really is to life is you. However, I find it intriguing that people, including myself, still seem to find themselves of great importance, how we believe our lives to be of some kind of meaning and that everything around us coveys reason into our own being. When in truth we are only here to show our love and devotion to you. I also find it enthralling that the love I and so many others so desperately search for is never going to be what I truly desire. What I want is knowingly within the reach of my fingertips. Its you. However, I feel as if your love is not of less value, of course, but of a difference than the humanly love I seek. All of us desire it my Lord, but only you have the type we are so devotedly seeking, and we all still feel as if it is of difference. It saddens me to consider that we as humans can never love each other, or anything for that matter as purely as you love us. I myself, as much as Id like to believe I can love someone so wholly, even cannot express the deep love that you so graciously give to us day after day. So why do I still search? I grasp that you are all that genuinely matters, yet I still pursue other forms of emotional pleasure. I suppose it must be the tangibility of human affection that invites me. Nonetheless, I ask that you’ll forgive me for being so blatantly ignoring the endless love im already receiving, and asking for a love that will never compare to that you confer.
Love, your daughter.